The reason we don’t address the past is because of fear. The antidote to fear is courage.
Courage, according to Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart, is the willingness to lean into vulnerability. She says vulnerability is not a weakness but our most significant measure of courage.
It takes a lot of courage to visit the past. The past has happened. The inertia of the past is already in motion. We use perfection, people pleasing, and society’s misunderstanding of the power of positivity to mask anything we experience or feel from the past. This masking includes avoiding tough conversations, diffusing inner conflict, or ignoring feelings. We all do this because our bodies physically tell us to avoid what makes us anxious or what we fear.
But, knowingly or unknowingly, we carry the weight of the past by burying it deep inside, usually to protect our egos. So, we stopped listening to messages from the past. And, worse, let it control us and give that fear way too much power. By not facing it and by not sinking in with courage, we cannot awaken the vulnerabilities that have held us back. The result? We miss an opportunity to heal, let go, lighten the load, and course correct.
I looked at my past first-hand about four years ago when I attended a 3-day Landmark Forum seminar, encouraging me to reflect on reoccurring stories I told myself. These stories were all over my life, and there was a theme. The story impacted my work, relationships, and ability to reach for what I wanted when I wanted it. The remedy uses vulnerability and visits three triggering life events everyone experiences.
Trigger 1: Something is Not Right
The first trigger in everyone’s life is when they feel something is wrong about their environment or in their environment. This trigger usually takes place between ages 5 and 7. You may not recall all the details, but you knew something wasn’t right. Take a second and reflect on what that might have been for you. What did you tell yourself at that moment? This response was your coping strategy. It likely worked, and so you continued to do it.
Trigger 2: Loss of Belonging
The second trigger is the first time you feel “I don’t belong.” This moment could be with family, with friends, in a classroom, or with siblings. Usually, this trigger happens between the ages of 7-13. When did this happen to you? Can you remember? What did you tell yourself? This response was your coping strategy. It likely worked, and so you continued to do it.
Trigger 3: Being on Your Own
The third trigger is the first time you experience the feeling of “being on your own.” This trigger could be in your teenage years or as a young adult. Think leaving for college, being left home alone, or needing to navigate a first job. When was this for you? What did you tell yourself? This response was your coping mechanism. It likely worked, and so you continued to do it.
These coping strategies run our lives in so many situations. We rarely look at them and bring them to our awareness. Heck, I didn’t even know to look. But when I did, I was shocked to see the damaging effects of the coping strategy I relied on to get by. It was clear they no longer served. Yet the theme was right there - all over my life, and I was giving it too much power over my personal relationships, approach to work, and sense of self.
My coping strategy was to stay out of the way and never cause more work for others. The message I told myself was that I didn’t matter. The first time I sensed the world wasn’t right (trigger 1), I tried to stay out of the way and to please. Upon feeling a lack of belonging for the first time (trigger 2), I decided to make it easier for others by tuning down my differences. When I realized I was alone for the first time (trigger 3), I told myself to ask for nothing and take care of my needs on my own.
So, what did I tell myself? I don’t matter. I should adapt to be less challenging for others. And I should never burden anyone with my needs. Phew.
That was my coping strategy. But, unfortunately, it’s a false message that I perpetuated and that I constantly reached for by default to make sense of the world. Why? Because it worked for me before. It's human nature, right? If it worked before, why change it?
Taking time to reflect and allowing myself to get to these vulnerable places was work. I had to push to dig beyond the surface. But once I realized my default self-talk and the false messages I told myself, I could let it go. I could recognize it when I defaulted to it. I could reshape the narrative to a new one – I matter, play big, celebrate my differences, and ask the universe for what I need. YES. YES. YES.
And, when I think otherwise, I’m letting the past lead me instead of letting go and reclaiming control. So today, with this post, I invite you to tap into vulnerability and release the past for a more abundant future full of potential. Love, Sahana
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